Owls confirmed to be the creepiest birds ever. LOOK AT THE FUCKING THINGS. If you fail to notice the one on the left fucking SWALLOWING a rat, then you have the dude singing some satanic chant or something next to him, and then you have those two other fucking psychos synchronized to make you feel creeped the fuck out with their soulless dance of FUCKING DOOM.
Ian Fraser “Lemmy” Kilmister, formerly known as the bassist and vocalist of famous heavy metal band Motörhead, has decided to leave the scene of sex, drugs and rock & roll vowing to live a spiritual life.
After the sudden announcement where the current Pope, Benedict XVI, shared with the world that he would resign from his papal duties at the 28th of February, the Vatican unanimously elected Mr. Kilmister as the logical and most ideal successor of the 85-year-old Pope.
Mr. Kilmister, fondly named “Lemmy” by his following, has been described by many as “a man capable of ushering the Catholic Church into a new and glorious age.”
As a sign of appreciation, Italy has officially changed its national anthem to “Ace of Spades.”
Benedict XVI has enthusiastically hailed his successor as “a great man worthy of this most holy of functions.” Considering the fact that the newly elected Pope has an extensive collection of Nazi paraphernalia, Benedict XVI gave Mr. Kilmister his own Hilter Jugend uniform as a sign of respect and trust.
When asked to describe how the newly elected Pope felt regarding his prestigious new title, Mr. Kilmister replied that he felt “fucking honoured.” Even non-Catholics think fondly of the new Pope as he will bring about much needed change in the Catholic Church. His modern stance on homosexuality, contraception and birth control has already been lauded by many governments and people worldwide.
On the subject of paedophilia and sexual abuse committed by numerous priests of the Catholic Church, Pope Lemmy I expressed his rather vocal opinion, calling the accused “fuckin’ wankers.” The future Pope vowed to bring these criminals of the cloth to justice.
Other changes to the Church’s policies include:
- Renaming the Pope Mobile as the Orgasmotron.
- The Orgasmotron will serve a mobile stage on which the Pope and his newly anointed bishops, Phil Campbell and Mikkey Dee, will spread the Word of God by playing various ecclesiastical songs, such as “Overkill”, “Bomber” and many, many more.
- The Pope’s visits will henceforth be recognised as the Papal World Tour.
- The first Papal World Tour - Papal World Tour 2013 - will take place in Rome from the 28th of February to the 3rd of March.
All hail Pope Lemmy I!
From the brilliant series “Where Children Sleep” by James Mollison.
Top to bottom: China, New York, Senegal, Tokyo
I CAN’T BREATHE
BANGING MY HEAD ON THE WALL